Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
