I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
