between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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