the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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