im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
