If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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