I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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