the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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