Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
