before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
