I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
