facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
