No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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