Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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