I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
