So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
