never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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