I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
