hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
