Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
