wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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