After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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