last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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