I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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