Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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