FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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