the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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