I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
