I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
