I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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