Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
