do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
