so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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