apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
