I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
