My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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