My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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