Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
