I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
