Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
In other news, I just burned my penis
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
