2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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