Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
