Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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