I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Is Oprah even human
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
