Porn is love you can see.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
