Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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