did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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