If that was your dad, he is hot
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
