My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
