Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
